Saçma
Bir sabah olsa binbir umutla
Güneş bile açsa.............................açmaz , saçma
Bir gece olsa, samanyolu hatta
Yıldız bile kaysa....................kaymaz saçma
O son sözü duymak bile fazla inan
İyi niyet değil, şefkat değil, nerden bu dil
Kendine iyi bak deme , denmez saçma
Kendime bakarım elbet sen hiç korkma
Kendine kalıyor insan eninde sonunda
Sen bize iyi bak tanrım, sevdalı kullarına
Herşeyi alma, bir küçük eşya
Bırak bana yeter......................
Yetmez , saçma
Dön gel uzatma, hayat bu unutma
Zaman bile dursa.................durmaz, saçma
O son sözü doğru sanıp kanmam inan
İyi niyet değil, gerçek değil, kimden bu dil
Mete Özgencil
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Stars
I'm exhausted after a month of much work, much stress, the same old dilemma... But I knew. Check this out:
You are a flexible, mutable sign, so when the chips are down, you roll with the punches better than most signs, but that doesn't mean it's been easy. In the coming two years, your entire life will look different, with new friends, associates, and possibly a new position, home, or partner - or the whole kit and caboodle. It will be exciting, but change demands a great deal of adjustment, and that's been the hard part.
This month, the eclipses in Pisces and Virgo are back. They always come in pairs, two weeks apart, in the form of a full moon and new moon. The first will be a full moon lunar eclipse, on August 28 in Pisces. Next month, a solar new moon eclipse in Virgo will arrive on September 11.
...
As you get closer to the full moon lunar eclipse, August 28, however, life will turn a bit turbulent. If your birthday falls on or within five days of August 28, you will more likely be touched by events, either immediately or within the coming six months. However, it's possible you already felt the effects of this eclipse if you received sudden news about a relationship last month, near July 28, plus or minus five days.
Yes I do read Susan Miller's monthly horoscopes at the beginning of each month. They are so comprehensive. I believe in astrology. I categorize people according to their signs. I feel like there must be some truth in it, if not, how would it come about, how would it survive until today? There's something meaningful in ancient knowledge, tradition.
I think the future exists now, just like the past and the moment. In our religion classes our teacher Kemal Bey told us that God knows our destiny. I tried to reconcile that with free will, and I decided we do have free will, but God knows what we will choose anyway. The story is already there, we are just not there yet.
Just like the past is attached to the moment with strings, the future is, too. You might say, of course it is, now shapes the future. But it's not only 'now' that pulls the strings. Sometimes the future pulls the strings too. And then there's a sign, an impatient spark, short circuit. A sign to someone who can read it, or someone who thinks they can.
Maybe I'm making too much of it, as I usually do :)
I wish I had a sign, a small sign of where I'll be happy. Then I'd know where I'll end up at the end of the month.
I'm exhausted after a month of much work, much stress, the same old dilemma... But I knew. Check this out:
You are a flexible, mutable sign, so when the chips are down, you roll with the punches better than most signs, but that doesn't mean it's been easy. In the coming two years, your entire life will look different, with new friends, associates, and possibly a new position, home, or partner - or the whole kit and caboodle. It will be exciting, but change demands a great deal of adjustment, and that's been the hard part.
This month, the eclipses in Pisces and Virgo are back. They always come in pairs, two weeks apart, in the form of a full moon and new moon. The first will be a full moon lunar eclipse, on August 28 in Pisces. Next month, a solar new moon eclipse in Virgo will arrive on September 11.
...
As you get closer to the full moon lunar eclipse, August 28, however, life will turn a bit turbulent. If your birthday falls on or within five days of August 28, you will more likely be touched by events, either immediately or within the coming six months. However, it's possible you already felt the effects of this eclipse if you received sudden news about a relationship last month, near July 28, plus or minus five days.
Yes I do read Susan Miller's monthly horoscopes at the beginning of each month. They are so comprehensive. I believe in astrology. I categorize people according to their signs. I feel like there must be some truth in it, if not, how would it come about, how would it survive until today? There's something meaningful in ancient knowledge, tradition.
I think the future exists now, just like the past and the moment. In our religion classes our teacher Kemal Bey told us that God knows our destiny. I tried to reconcile that with free will, and I decided we do have free will, but God knows what we will choose anyway. The story is already there, we are just not there yet.
Just like the past is attached to the moment with strings, the future is, too. You might say, of course it is, now shapes the future. But it's not only 'now' that pulls the strings. Sometimes the future pulls the strings too. And then there's a sign, an impatient spark, short circuit. A sign to someone who can read it, or someone who thinks they can.
Maybe I'm making too much of it, as I usually do :)
I wish I had a sign, a small sign of where I'll be happy. Then I'd know where I'll end up at the end of the month.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
disclaimer:: this entry includes nothing exciting at all... another diary entry from my daily life. something I promised I would never do at the beginning.
My trip home...
Today as I was about to pack my laptop I realized I don't have my laptop case. I looked for it in the room but couldn't find it. Then I remembered that I left it in the common room on Saturday and didn't realize I left it there until I needed it this morning. Something like this happened last year - I dropped my bracelet in a restaurant and the owner gave it to me the next week before I even realized I had dropped it. The problem is not the laptop case per se, but a rush of panic set in when I remembered the possibility that my passport and Ipod might be in it. I only use it when I travel, and I don't really unpack it until the next time I travel. Luckily I had taken everything out before I went down to the common room, so it's only the laptop case with some business cards that went missing! It reminded me of the little curses people dropped in the hot springs in Bath. I wish I could write one for my laptop case!
Then I made the mistake of taking the bus to Victoria! The bus literally went through the whole city and took a good 50 minutes. (Although Bond Street was quite pleasant.) You hate all the people that don't have a plane to catch. Everytime somebody hits stop you sink deeper into despair. I noticed it's usually elderly people who take the bus in the middle of the day.
I was in Victoria at 1 for my flight at 2:15. To cut the long story short, I got to Gatwick at 1:45 and barely made it thanks to the 10 min delay and helpful BA people. (Wow I never thought I would compliment BA for something... but the flight today was so smooth, too... Maashallah :)
Now my journals are done (although I never saw them printed, hope everything worked out well) and now is the time for the dissertation... Finally... I don't think I'll be able to write much in the blog for the next ten days. August has been stressful so far, I usually felt like that dream I had a couple of nights ago, where I lose control of the car I'm driving... but now I'm really happy to be home.
My trip home...
Today as I was about to pack my laptop I realized I don't have my laptop case. I looked for it in the room but couldn't find it. Then I remembered that I left it in the common room on Saturday and didn't realize I left it there until I needed it this morning. Something like this happened last year - I dropped my bracelet in a restaurant and the owner gave it to me the next week before I even realized I had dropped it. The problem is not the laptop case per se, but a rush of panic set in when I remembered the possibility that my passport and Ipod might be in it. I only use it when I travel, and I don't really unpack it until the next time I travel. Luckily I had taken everything out before I went down to the common room, so it's only the laptop case with some business cards that went missing! It reminded me of the little curses people dropped in the hot springs in Bath. I wish I could write one for my laptop case!
Then I made the mistake of taking the bus to Victoria! The bus literally went through the whole city and took a good 50 minutes. (Although Bond Street was quite pleasant.) You hate all the people that don't have a plane to catch. Everytime somebody hits stop you sink deeper into despair. I noticed it's usually elderly people who take the bus in the middle of the day.
I was in Victoria at 1 for my flight at 2:15. To cut the long story short, I got to Gatwick at 1:45 and barely made it thanks to the 10 min delay and helpful BA people. (Wow I never thought I would compliment BA for something... but the flight today was so smooth, too... Maashallah :)
Now my journals are done (although I never saw them printed, hope everything worked out well) and now is the time for the dissertation... Finally... I don't think I'll be able to write much in the blog for the next ten days. August has been stressful so far, I usually felt like that dream I had a couple of nights ago, where I lose control of the car I'm driving... but now I'm really happy to be home.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Hafıza
“Hafıza,” diye yazmıştı bir köşe yazısında Celal, “bir bahçedir.” sf. 11.
“Uykunun huzuruna gömülmüş Rüya’nın kapıları kapalı bahçesinin söğütleri, akasyaları, asmalı gülleri ve güneşi altında gezinmek isterdi şimdi. Orada karşılaşacağı suratlardan utançla korkarak: Sen de mi buradaydın, merhaba! Bilip bekledigi tatsız anılar kadar, beklemediği erkek gölgelerini de merak ve acıyla görerek: Afedersiniz kardeşim, siz karımla nerede rastlaşmış ya da tanışmıştınız?” sf. 11
“Hayalinde kendisini arayan Rüya’nın yerine kendini koymuştu ki, yokluğunun acılarını Rüya nasıl hissediyor daha iyi anlayabilsin!.. Çok sonra, çocukluğun sonsuzluğu kadar uzun süren bir bekleyişten sonra, Galip, sabırsızlıkla ve asıl kendisinin sabırsızlığa yenildiğini düşünmeden birden dolabın üstünden inip gözlerini soluk lambaların ışığına alıştırıp, bu sefer kendisi, apartmanda Rüya’yı aramaya başlamıştı.
...
Kaçırdığı hayat parçacığı neredeydi?
...
“Beyoğlu’nda bir muhallebiciye oturmuştum; sırf kalabalık içersinde olmak için; ama cumartesi akşamının o sonsuzluk saatini doldurmaya çalışan benim gibi biriyle gözgöze gelirim diye kimseye de bakmıyordum: Benim gibi olanlar, birbirlerini hemen tanır ve küçümserler çünkü.” sf. 138.
“Gözlerini kısıp uzaktaki bir noktaya bakarken başka bir yere gittiğini, başka bir şey düşündüğünü anlayınca seni endişeyle severdim. Aklının içindekilerin bildiğim kadarını ve daha çok da bilmediğim kadarını korkuyla korkuyla severdim, Allahım!” sf. 145.
“Kimselere gözükmeden gizlice gittiğim randevuevlerinde, orospular öylelerine daha iyi davranıyorlar diye, yakın geçmişte başımdan korkunç ve umutsuz bir aşk macerası geçmiş bir umutsuz gibi yaptığımı hatırladım.” sf. 181.
“Sessizlerin, anlatmayı bilmeyenlerin, kendini dinletemeyenlerin, önemli gözükmeyenlerin, dilsizlerin, o iyi cevabı hep olaydan sonra evde düşünenlerin, insanların hikayelerini merak etmediği o kişilerin yüzleri diğerlerinden daha anlamlı, daha dolu değil mi? Sanki anlatamadıkları hikayelerin harfleriyle kaynaşıyor bu yüzler, sanki sessizliğin, ezikliğin, hatta yenilginin işaretleri var onlarda.” sf. 263.
“Hiçbir zaman inandıramadım seni kahramansız bir dünyaya neden inandığıma. Hiçbir zaman inandıramadım seni o kahramanları uyduran zavallı yazarların neden kahraman olmadıklarına. Hiçbir zaman inandıramadım seni o dergilerde resimleri çıkanların bizden başka bir soydan olduğuna. Hiçbir zaman inandıramadım seni sıradan bir hayata razı olman gerektiğine. Hiçbir zaman inandıramadım seni, o sıradan hayatta benim de bir yerim olması gerektiğine.” sf. 326.
“Bunlar, eli sıkı, hesaplı kişilerdi; ne içerken dünyayı unutabilirlerdi, ne de sevişirken; her şeyi bir düzene sokma saplantıları onları başarısız bir dost ve basarısız bir aşık yapardı yalnızca.” sf. 383.
“Fotoğrafının çekildiğini bilmeyen on beş yaşındaki Rüya, yanında bir kase leblebi, üzerinde basmadan kolsuz bir elbise, açık pencereden üzerine güneş vuran bir gazeteye eğilmiş, yüzünde Galip’e her zaman dışarıda bırakıldığını korkuyla sezdiren bir ifadeyle, bir yandan saçlarını çekiştiriyor, bir yandan da silgisini ısırdığı kalemle bilmece çözüyor.” sf. 389.
“Şehzade Osman Celalettin Efendi, düşüncelerinin ve kendi iradesinin saflığını bozan anılarıyla boğuşmak için kasrındaki bütün koku kaynaklarını kurutmuş, tanıdığı bütün eşyaları ve elbiseleri yok etmiş, müzik denen uyuşturucu sanatla ve hiç çalmadığı beyaz piyanosuyla ilişkisini kesmiş ve kasrının bütün odalarını beyaza boyatmıştı.” sf. 411.
“’Şehzade Osman Celalettin Efendi, ona aşık olamayacağına inandığı için korkusuzca Leyla Hanım’a yüreğini açabilmişti...’ ... ‘Ama korkusuzca ona yüreğimi açabildiğim tek kadın olduğu için de hemen ona aşık oldum.
...
Leyla Hanım’ın ölümünden sonra, üzüldüğünü ve özgürleştiğini yazdırmıştı Şehzade.” sf. 415.
“Otelden çıkıp bindiği takside şoför bir hikaye anlatmaya başladı. İnsanın ancak hikaye anlatarak kendisi olabileceğini anladığı için Galip şoförün anlattıklarını hoşgörüyle dinliyordu.” sf. 420.
Kara Kitap
“Hafıza,” diye yazmıştı bir köşe yazısında Celal, “bir bahçedir.” sf. 11.
“Uykunun huzuruna gömülmüş Rüya’nın kapıları kapalı bahçesinin söğütleri, akasyaları, asmalı gülleri ve güneşi altında gezinmek isterdi şimdi. Orada karşılaşacağı suratlardan utançla korkarak: Sen de mi buradaydın, merhaba! Bilip bekledigi tatsız anılar kadar, beklemediği erkek gölgelerini de merak ve acıyla görerek: Afedersiniz kardeşim, siz karımla nerede rastlaşmış ya da tanışmıştınız?” sf. 11
“Hayalinde kendisini arayan Rüya’nın yerine kendini koymuştu ki, yokluğunun acılarını Rüya nasıl hissediyor daha iyi anlayabilsin!.. Çok sonra, çocukluğun sonsuzluğu kadar uzun süren bir bekleyişten sonra, Galip, sabırsızlıkla ve asıl kendisinin sabırsızlığa yenildiğini düşünmeden birden dolabın üstünden inip gözlerini soluk lambaların ışığına alıştırıp, bu sefer kendisi, apartmanda Rüya’yı aramaya başlamıştı.
...
Kaçırdığı hayat parçacığı neredeydi?
...
“Beyoğlu’nda bir muhallebiciye oturmuştum; sırf kalabalık içersinde olmak için; ama cumartesi akşamının o sonsuzluk saatini doldurmaya çalışan benim gibi biriyle gözgöze gelirim diye kimseye de bakmıyordum: Benim gibi olanlar, birbirlerini hemen tanır ve küçümserler çünkü.” sf. 138.
“Gözlerini kısıp uzaktaki bir noktaya bakarken başka bir yere gittiğini, başka bir şey düşündüğünü anlayınca seni endişeyle severdim. Aklının içindekilerin bildiğim kadarını ve daha çok da bilmediğim kadarını korkuyla korkuyla severdim, Allahım!” sf. 145.
“Kimselere gözükmeden gizlice gittiğim randevuevlerinde, orospular öylelerine daha iyi davranıyorlar diye, yakın geçmişte başımdan korkunç ve umutsuz bir aşk macerası geçmiş bir umutsuz gibi yaptığımı hatırladım.” sf. 181.
“Sessizlerin, anlatmayı bilmeyenlerin, kendini dinletemeyenlerin, önemli gözükmeyenlerin, dilsizlerin, o iyi cevabı hep olaydan sonra evde düşünenlerin, insanların hikayelerini merak etmediği o kişilerin yüzleri diğerlerinden daha anlamlı, daha dolu değil mi? Sanki anlatamadıkları hikayelerin harfleriyle kaynaşıyor bu yüzler, sanki sessizliğin, ezikliğin, hatta yenilginin işaretleri var onlarda.” sf. 263.
“Hiçbir zaman inandıramadım seni kahramansız bir dünyaya neden inandığıma. Hiçbir zaman inandıramadım seni o kahramanları uyduran zavallı yazarların neden kahraman olmadıklarına. Hiçbir zaman inandıramadım seni o dergilerde resimleri çıkanların bizden başka bir soydan olduğuna. Hiçbir zaman inandıramadım seni sıradan bir hayata razı olman gerektiğine. Hiçbir zaman inandıramadım seni, o sıradan hayatta benim de bir yerim olması gerektiğine.” sf. 326.
“Bunlar, eli sıkı, hesaplı kişilerdi; ne içerken dünyayı unutabilirlerdi, ne de sevişirken; her şeyi bir düzene sokma saplantıları onları başarısız bir dost ve basarısız bir aşık yapardı yalnızca.” sf. 383.
“Fotoğrafının çekildiğini bilmeyen on beş yaşındaki Rüya, yanında bir kase leblebi, üzerinde basmadan kolsuz bir elbise, açık pencereden üzerine güneş vuran bir gazeteye eğilmiş, yüzünde Galip’e her zaman dışarıda bırakıldığını korkuyla sezdiren bir ifadeyle, bir yandan saçlarını çekiştiriyor, bir yandan da silgisini ısırdığı kalemle bilmece çözüyor.” sf. 389.
“Şehzade Osman Celalettin Efendi, düşüncelerinin ve kendi iradesinin saflığını bozan anılarıyla boğuşmak için kasrındaki bütün koku kaynaklarını kurutmuş, tanıdığı bütün eşyaları ve elbiseleri yok etmiş, müzik denen uyuşturucu sanatla ve hiç çalmadığı beyaz piyanosuyla ilişkisini kesmiş ve kasrının bütün odalarını beyaza boyatmıştı.” sf. 411.
“’Şehzade Osman Celalettin Efendi, ona aşık olamayacağına inandığı için korkusuzca Leyla Hanım’a yüreğini açabilmişti...’ ... ‘Ama korkusuzca ona yüreğimi açabildiğim tek kadın olduğu için de hemen ona aşık oldum.
...
Leyla Hanım’ın ölümünden sonra, üzüldüğünü ve özgürleştiğini yazdırmıştı Şehzade.” sf. 415.
“Otelden çıkıp bindiği takside şoför bir hikaye anlatmaya başladı. İnsanın ancak hikaye anlatarak kendisi olabileceğini anladığı için Galip şoförün anlattıklarını hoşgörüyle dinliyordu.” sf. 420.
Kara Kitap
Saturday, August 11, 2007
wake-up call:
They pay you for your opinion
Something really weird happened. Because there was still 9 minutes to the train at Oxford Circus (and the air inside the station was unbearable) I walked up the stairs and back onto the street. I was still kind of tipsy from the few drinks I had. Then I walked several stops towards Tottenham Court Road, and got onto the bus. Two really sleazy-looking, glassy-eyed older guys sat next to me and started talking. When they found out that I went to the LSE, they started asking me the kind of questions about the world economy that often my parents ask, questions they already know the answers to, they are just quizzing you. It reminded me of an internship interview where I stunned my interviewer with my deep ignorance. I mumbled about the credit troubles and mortgage crisis, found out that they are in "property business" and they "trade for themselves." Just making small talk, I mentioned the high housing prices, and they asked me how long I think high prices were going to last. I said I had no idea. At that point they had made up their mind that I'm pretty darn stupid. They gave me this small horrible lecture about how higher interest rates curb inflation and how Mervyn King is about to raise the rates (fittingly the bus was just passing by Bank.) Bernanke, on the other hand, is apparently not so keen on raising them because he's worried about slowing growth in the US. Earlier, at about St. Paul's, they had asked me what I wanted to do and I said I wanted to be a journalist.
They told me that at any kind of job people will pay me for my opinion and I should have my own opinion. That made me question what the point of my $160,000+GBP 20,000=5 years-education was. I felt like I'm genuinely wasting away, defying the whole purpose of all that I've done so far. And I have this expectation that whatever I do, it should be more than enough. In fact, what I do is far below par. I'm really just a lucky spoiled girl who always had it too easy, and expects it to continue being like that. I don't understand that I should bring something worthwhile to the table, and people have no obligation to listen to me, care about me or respect me if I don't.
Only today I called up this venture capitalist who funds clean tech companies and he was so passionate and confident about his work. I don't want to be the person who calls up people all the time. I want to be someone people call up. And I need to have my own opinion and brains for that.
They pay you for your opinion
Something really weird happened. Because there was still 9 minutes to the train at Oxford Circus (and the air inside the station was unbearable) I walked up the stairs and back onto the street. I was still kind of tipsy from the few drinks I had. Then I walked several stops towards Tottenham Court Road, and got onto the bus. Two really sleazy-looking, glassy-eyed older guys sat next to me and started talking. When they found out that I went to the LSE, they started asking me the kind of questions about the world economy that often my parents ask, questions they already know the answers to, they are just quizzing you. It reminded me of an internship interview where I stunned my interviewer with my deep ignorance. I mumbled about the credit troubles and mortgage crisis, found out that they are in "property business" and they "trade for themselves." Just making small talk, I mentioned the high housing prices, and they asked me how long I think high prices were going to last. I said I had no idea. At that point they had made up their mind that I'm pretty darn stupid. They gave me this small horrible lecture about how higher interest rates curb inflation and how Mervyn King is about to raise the rates (fittingly the bus was just passing by Bank.) Bernanke, on the other hand, is apparently not so keen on raising them because he's worried about slowing growth in the US. Earlier, at about St. Paul's, they had asked me what I wanted to do and I said I wanted to be a journalist.
They told me that at any kind of job people will pay me for my opinion and I should have my own opinion. That made me question what the point of my $160,000+GBP 20,000=5 years-education was. I felt like I'm genuinely wasting away, defying the whole purpose of all that I've done so far. And I have this expectation that whatever I do, it should be more than enough. In fact, what I do is far below par. I'm really just a lucky spoiled girl who always had it too easy, and expects it to continue being like that. I don't understand that I should bring something worthwhile to the table, and people have no obligation to listen to me, care about me or respect me if I don't.
Only today I called up this venture capitalist who funds clean tech companies and he was so passionate and confident about his work. I don't want to be the person who calls up people all the time. I want to be someone people call up. And I need to have my own opinion and brains for that.
Friday, August 10, 2007
Céline: So often in my life I've been with people, and shared beautiful moments like traveling, or staying up all night and watching the sunrise, and I knew those were special moments. But something was always wrong. I wished I'd been with someone else. (They both laugh) I knew that what I was feeling, exactly what was so important to me, they didn't understand. But I'm happy to be with you. You couldn't possibly know why a night like this is so important to my life right now, but it is. This is a great morning.
Jesse: It is a great morning. Do you think we'd have others like this. (Céline smiles) What?
Céline: What about our rational, adult decision?
Jesse: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though. It's just usually it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. You know, I've never, um, gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, you know making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves. Let's say that you and I were together all the time, then you'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms. The way, uh, the way every time we would have people over, uh, I'd be insecure, and I'd get a little too drunk. Or, uh, the way I'd tell the same stupid pseudo-intellectual story again, and again. You see, I've heard all those stories. So of course I'm sick of myself. But being with you, uh, it had made me feel like I'm somebody else. You know the only other way to lose yourself like that is, um, you know, dancing, or alcohol, or drugs, and stuff like that.
Before Sunrise
***
I'm so bored of myself. I'm so bored of hearing myself talk about the same things and think about the same things. I'm bored of promising myself I won't be late to work and being late again. I'm bored of people joking about it. I'm bored of promising myself that I'll read that many pages and never read them. I'm really, really, really bored of my blog-writing self.
Jesse: It is a great morning. Do you think we'd have others like this. (Céline smiles) What?
Céline: What about our rational, adult decision?
Jesse: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I know what you mean about wishing somebody wasn't there, though. It's just usually it's myself that I wish I could get away from. Seriously, think about this. I have never been anywhere that I haven't been. I've never had a kiss when I wasn't one of the kissers. You know, I've never, um, gone to the movies, when I wasn't there in the audience. I've never been out bowling, if I wasn't there, you know making some stupid joke. I think that's why so many people hate themselves. Seriously, it's just they are sick to death of being around themselves. Let's say that you and I were together all the time, then you'd start to hate a lot of my mannerisms. The way, uh, the way every time we would have people over, uh, I'd be insecure, and I'd get a little too drunk. Or, uh, the way I'd tell the same stupid pseudo-intellectual story again, and again. You see, I've heard all those stories. So of course I'm sick of myself. But being with you, uh, it had made me feel like I'm somebody else. You know the only other way to lose yourself like that is, um, you know, dancing, or alcohol, or drugs, and stuff like that.
Before Sunrise
***
I'm so bored of myself. I'm so bored of hearing myself talk about the same things and think about the same things. I'm bored of promising myself I won't be late to work and being late again. I'm bored of people joking about it. I'm bored of promising myself that I'll read that many pages and never read them. I'm really, really, really bored of my blog-writing self.
Saturday, August 04, 2007
"Dear, damned, distracting town."
-Alexander Pope on London
Global Cities
It was only fitting to go to the Global Cities exhibition at Tate Modern after having talked about being ordinary in London. Crowds by Eva Koch captured exactly what I was trying to explain.
The exhibition was really inspiring. It gave a good glimpse into the life in far away cities, and showed that the problems are very similar across the board. (I thought it was a good glimpse because the videos of Istanbul really felt like home.) Cities guarantee exciting lives. Large numbers of people lead to multiplied possibilities: Possibilities for all kinds of jobs, different people, art events, festivals, clubs, restaurants, neighborhoods. The freedom brought by anonymity. Big cities continue to attract people like magnets.
But the diversity and size that makes cities so exciting is also what makes them overwhelming and dangerous. As new people from different socio-economic backgrounds come to the city, they struggle to survive. Some of them have no choice but to live in slums, creating circles of poverty around the city. Some of them are pushed inwards because the well-off want to live in their own segregated paradise in the suburbs. Public transportation and sewage systems are pushed to their limits, and there is no open space to get away from the hustle and bustle. As inequalities rise, some neighborhoods become no-go crime zones. Middle class tries to protect themselves by bullet-proof cars, picket fences and alarm systems. Surviving in the city is an occupation and challenge in itself, taking much energy. But it also seems like the best thing anyone can do with one's time in this world.
I see this as an example of how individual rational choice does not lead to socially optimal outcomes. The individual choices add up to something diverse and exciting, a spontaneity and variety that couldn't be planned by any central planner, but also to something ugly and overwhelming. The city as an organism may seem very exciting and inspiring. But each individual in it, while contributing to it and enjoying it, also suffers from being a teeny weeny particle in this mighty organism. A cell in the blood circulating through the streets. The organism doesn't really care about you, you have to go by its rules to survive. Each city comes with its own terms and conditions that limit its constituents' freedom. But again, it's the price we all pay for constant stimulation.
-Alexander Pope on London
Global Cities
It was only fitting to go to the Global Cities exhibition at Tate Modern after having talked about being ordinary in London. Crowds by Eva Koch captured exactly what I was trying to explain.
The exhibition was really inspiring. It gave a good glimpse into the life in far away cities, and showed that the problems are very similar across the board. (I thought it was a good glimpse because the videos of Istanbul really felt like home.) Cities guarantee exciting lives. Large numbers of people lead to multiplied possibilities: Possibilities for all kinds of jobs, different people, art events, festivals, clubs, restaurants, neighborhoods. The freedom brought by anonymity. Big cities continue to attract people like magnets.
But the diversity and size that makes cities so exciting is also what makes them overwhelming and dangerous. As new people from different socio-economic backgrounds come to the city, they struggle to survive. Some of them have no choice but to live in slums, creating circles of poverty around the city. Some of them are pushed inwards because the well-off want to live in their own segregated paradise in the suburbs. Public transportation and sewage systems are pushed to their limits, and there is no open space to get away from the hustle and bustle. As inequalities rise, some neighborhoods become no-go crime zones. Middle class tries to protect themselves by bullet-proof cars, picket fences and alarm systems. Surviving in the city is an occupation and challenge in itself, taking much energy. But it also seems like the best thing anyone can do with one's time in this world.
I see this as an example of how individual rational choice does not lead to socially optimal outcomes. The individual choices add up to something diverse and exciting, a spontaneity and variety that couldn't be planned by any central planner, but also to something ugly and overwhelming. The city as an organism may seem very exciting and inspiring. But each individual in it, while contributing to it and enjoying it, also suffers from being a teeny weeny particle in this mighty organism. A cell in the blood circulating through the streets. The organism doesn't really care about you, you have to go by its rules to survive. Each city comes with its own terms and conditions that limit its constituents' freedom. But again, it's the price we all pay for constant stimulation.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Weakness and Meanness
Why are we meanest to the people who clearly love us, who are the most vulnerable in front of us? Why are we impatient, tactless, thoughtless with the ones that care the most for us, do the most for us? I frown at my family like I can to no other. I say whatever to my closest friends. Because I know they will stay. I'm horrible to guys who make the mistake of liking me. Because I know I've already won them. There is nothing to be won anymore. They are not interesting anymore. There is no challenge.
I'm strong against someone because I don't care. Somebody else is strong against me because they don't care. They will just read what I write for them and they will find it cheesy, pathetic. I will read what the others write for me and I will find it cheesy, pathetic.
Even now, writing this, I know I'm being weak and uninteresting and unmysterious. But the unfairness in this actually breaks my heart, that's why I'm writing it. The only way to win the admiration of people is to stay independent of their influence, out of their reach. Loving someone is not enough reason to be loved back. Being strong and independent is what makes people admirable.
Why are we meanest to the people who clearly love us, who are the most vulnerable in front of us? Why are we impatient, tactless, thoughtless with the ones that care the most for us, do the most for us? I frown at my family like I can to no other. I say whatever to my closest friends. Because I know they will stay. I'm horrible to guys who make the mistake of liking me. Because I know I've already won them. There is nothing to be won anymore. They are not interesting anymore. There is no challenge.
I'm strong against someone because I don't care. Somebody else is strong against me because they don't care. They will just read what I write for them and they will find it cheesy, pathetic. I will read what the others write for me and I will find it cheesy, pathetic.
Even now, writing this, I know I'm being weak and uninteresting and unmysterious. But the unfairness in this actually breaks my heart, that's why I'm writing it. The only way to win the admiration of people is to stay independent of their influence, out of their reach. Loving someone is not enough reason to be loved back. Being strong and independent is what makes people admirable.
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